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Journal Entry 3 on April 8, 2025

Now, I have only been back to Philly since Jan 31, 2025.

The moment I pulled myself together after being home for 4 days, I reached out to my former staffing recruiter to get back in the game of providing behavior modification services in the school, home and community settings.

As an independent contractor, I underwent the normal process of obtaining my clearances, getting my physical and TB test and then playing the waiting game to begin work.

It took much longer this time around to get cases and start billing than anticipated. I needed my coins to start coining.

The good thing about the waiting process included

• My staffing recruiter being happy to hear from me —-which was a blessing in itself.
• Come to find out, my prior agency colleagues exuded with excitement when they found out I was back in the game.— making the transition smoother.
• The even bigger blessing consisted of the school staff being stoked to have me back working with their students, my chocolate chips.

That big welcome back and open arms set things into motion for me emotionally. I felt good and was ready on a different level to get back into the game.

However, my feelings and emotions do not pay the bills.—-I did not have enough coins rubbing together to handle all my financial responsibilities in both Georgia and Philly.

The cases were slowly trickling in —giving me only 17 billable hours per week.

So what did I do?

I got into my bag— I hopped on Indeed and applied for other positions. —Besides, many independent contractors and clinicians in the mental and behavioral health fields have multiple streams of income.

As I am on Indeed, I reserved my spot to attend a job fair at a hospital in Montgomery County.

During the on-the spot interview at the job fair, I immediately hit it off with one of the department heads.

I shot my shot by telling her about my professional goals as a leader in the hospital setting after I obtain my behavior specialist’s license.

The department head and I shared a moment of envisioning how the two of us could work together to change the department’s culture and the hospital’s reputation in the community.

I accepted the verbal job offer on the spot for the creation of a new leadership position based on my knowledge, skills, abilities and experiences. —That was on a Thursday.

I believed the department head when she informed me that she will spend the next two work days (that Friday and Monday) creating the job description for the new leadership title and position.

I agreed to meet with the department head and a representative from HR on that following Tuesday at 1115 am. The purpose of the meeting included reviewing the job description and negotiating the salary.

I attended the meeting on that Tuesday morning.

While in the meeting, I took note of the absence of the official job description and salary offer for this new leadership role being created just for me…as well as the absence of the HR representative. — I played the part. I toured the department, met the day time staff and reviewed some of hospital’s systems.

One week went by

-No job offer

-No phone call

-No salary negotiation

On that following Thursday, I called and spoke briefly to both the department head and a representative from HR. Nothing really came out of the conversations…

Then, crickets 🦗

• The conversations decreased.
• The excitement waned.
• The offer faded.

Intrusive Thoughts

Ok. Ok. Wait. Ok. Here we go…

Ignoring my intrusive thoughts, I focused my attention on my other professional opportunities.

Sitting with my husband, we weighed the pros and cons all of the avenues I had in front of me.—knowing none of them were guaranteed.

I decided to read and interpret the hand-writing on the wall regarding the new leadership position that was being created for me at the hospital.

I interpreted the silent communication of the crickets 🦗as

4 Signs of Potential Burnout

The department head immediately offered me the job. However, it took a long time to create the job description, present the job description to the HR department and for the HR department to call me for salary negotiations.

To be absolutely honest, I cannot deal with that. I viewed the delay as a sign that the job wasn’t for me. I was like…

Yellow neon flashing lights came before my eyes that read: Warning ⚠️ Potential Burnout.

Here’s why…

Cultural Misalignment:

I have never received an obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) diagnosis.—

But, I have OCD tendencies.

I function way better under structure and order. If the hiring process was an indicator for the hospital’s modus of operandi, then I already knew that there were mismatched values.

I need to be in a culture at work that screams:

See, two of my values are efficiency or communication. I read the hand-writing on the wall that the hospital was a place where I would not thrive.

I would be frustrated with the processes, and then I will get burnt out.

Indecision or Instability:

I could not help but to judge the department head as either indecisive or unstable.

I asked myself,

I heeded this as a warning to prevent me from possible disliking her. I know me.

If I do not like my leader, then I will not like my job. If I don’t like my job, then I will get burnt out.

Emotionalism:

The department head’s initially excitement, and then hesitation signaled to me a form of emotionalism.

Now, I am not one to judge. I have worked HARDT to minimize my emotional reactions.

I know I am being hypocritical. However, I do not want to deal with no emotional woman as my leader. —-I cannot deal with that.

An emotional woman who doesn’t keep her word will piss me off, and then I will get burnt out.

Unclear Job Expectations:

It’s crazy because I still don’t know why the department head prolonged the hiring process.

I am telling myself that maybe her workload was heavy or that she was dealing with situation management throughout day.

But, if she saw that much value in me to tell me that she was going to create a position for me on the spot during the interview at a job fair, then why didn’t she keep her word?

Candidly, having a job created for me was exciting and validating. It put another notch on my belt.

But then, I had to really think about it.

So, of course, imposter syndrome crept in.

I began contemplating my ability to perform, meet her expectations and fulfill the demands of the new leadership position being created just for me.

After much thought, I admitted that I do not want to put that much pressure on myself at this age and stage in life, especially not for an employer.

I still have my entrepreneurial endeavors of helping other mental and behavioral health professionals engage in self care and prevent burnout.

I do not want to put all my tangible AND intangible resources into a job where I am getting home after midnight. When will I have time to

• Provide services for other clinicians to prevent burnout?
• Spend time with my grandchildren and God babies?
• Complete my HotWorkx workouts?
• Build my online community?
• Write my newsletter?
• Journal?
• Color?

See, I practice what I preach. I could not see my work-life balance.

I NEED to engage in self-care; so I won’t get burnt out.

2 Journal Prompts

1.- What about today's journal entry resonated with you the most?

• Have you had a similar situation waiting to hear back from an employer, and then changed your mind about the job?
• Have you been caught up in getting a leadership position or even better, a leadership position being created just for you?
• Have you ever had several employment opportunities and had to weigh the pros and cons?
• Do you want your personal and professional goals aligned? If so, in what ways?
• Have you even taken the silent communication of crickets 🦗 as a sign?

Or was it something else altogether?

2.- While completing and reflecting on your own answers from the first journal prompt, did you experience life-giving or life-draining emotions?

Here are a few emotions you can use as examples:

*Life-Giving Emotions

• Relief? (Knowing that you did not move forward when some thing did not feel right)
• Empowerment? (Taking control of your professional path and not getting caught up in the hype of a title or position)
• Hope? (Embracing the possibility of better or more aligned opportunities)

*Life-Draining Emotions

• Regret? (Passing up a new leadership position)
• Doubt? (Going back and forth on making the right decision)
• Anxiety? (Fearing the unknown)

Or was it another emotion altogether?

How This Journal Entry Helped Me Beat Burnout

Journaling about declining that new leadership position helped me to see how indecisive I can be. Well, let me not say indecisive.

I learned several years ago that I live in the ‘both/and’ realm.— I experience many things at the same time about most circumstances in my life, including this situation.

For instance,

• I want a leadership position to fulfill something deep within me.
• Yet, I don’t want the stress that comes with the position.
• I want the bragging rights to say that a position was created just for me.
• Yet, I don’t want the pressure to perform based on other’s expectations.
• I want to be referred to as doctor in a leading clinical position in a hospital.
• Yet, I don’t want others to assume that because I have my doctorate that I will have all the answers.

For me, all the back and forth in my mind was exactly what I needed to know that the position was not for me.

I do not want to think that hard about any job.

This time around I got ahead of the burnout.

I listened to the silence of the crickets 🦗.

I read the hand-writing on the wall.

I didn’t make a hasty decision.

I weighed my options.

I declined.

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